Saturday, July 19, 2008
What's the story now?
Maybe I'm a bad liar. Cuz it's obvious isn't it. Yes, I don't really talk much, neither do I laugh that much. I think I'm a stuck up bitch at work or anywhere. I don't even put up a smile on my face. Everything is just different now. Some people thinks that I've changed because of the age I'm getting on, but no. I'm still that vulgar, noisy, silly girl all of u have known. But I don't know what has gotten in to me.
I'm stressed out. At work, at home, this life. I'm sick of the same old fucking repetition. I hate prior changes. Some people is just ignorant. Thinking that I'm like this cuz of the problems i have. But no, It's you. I just feel like I don't really belong here, this workplace. Everybody is putting up a great pretentious self. Maybe for a start u can ask what I've not been happy about? tsk. somethings are better left unspoken i guess?
I have problems, but others do too. I just think that it's not necessary to share. Why must we tell other's our problems? I admit some problems might be embarrassing to tell, and that is why i rather keep mum. But if u could be caring enough, and i think u've seen the changes in me, u'll understand why. Yes i do talk, laugh like normal but i did that just ofr a cause.
i absolutely miss my carefree days, where i have the best of time anywhere. Where the problems at work can be laughed away. Where the fucking times i had at work can be solved by jokes. But now problems at work, is a problem i seem to no longer bear with. why? cuz they thought that I'm free most of the time. Try sitting here, answering calls from fucked up clinics. Try sitting here to answer stupid questions from patients. Try sitting here, tracing all the results. Try sitting here to deal with the fucking despatch. Not noticing the reports on the tray when u can actually pass it to me on my hands, getting scolded by the supervisor cuz the reports is piled up with the ones in envelopes and folders. Yes, i didn't notice. Try coming to work in the morning alone, when all 3's come later. When patients is already here, bugging with questions. Not 1 not two but more fussy patients. When clinics call tracing for results. When reports have yet to be printed. All I'm asking for is not to belittle me. I am trying to answer all questions from clinics. I did. I'm not trying to put you in a spot. Yes i admit, there are some areas I don't really know but I was not taught. I have never did any send-outs. I have never known some of the test names, codes. But can't u guys give in and take? I tried convering up for u guys, but when it comes to me, me alone, why must everything be pointed out? Just because I ask you guys to help me when I have doubts? Isn't it wise to pass it to someone who knows it better, rather then srewing everything up? I can't possibly just tell them anything. It's not that I'm dependent, but serisouly i was only taught some basic things. Why can't u, as my friend if u regard me as one, tell me. Why must u tell it off just like that to him? I was shocked, it breaks my heart alot. I thought that u are the only one i could trust when it comes to political stuffs that's going on in the lab. But no. This hit me real hard. I cried my heart out. I was just so shocked that you said I'm passing things for u to solve it for me. I felt like quitting right away. I know you guys can just say that the position I have now is easy peasy. It's never easy to trace result for different clinics in one time. U know how irriating and bitchy they can get right? And i know i'm the one who voluntereed to come early. But it's not a choice for me. And i did so cause i was still new and fresh, and i tried to make u guys like me more. I don't know why you guys are giving me the cold shoulder from the beggining. I know u said that if you've not like me in the first place, u'd have sent me back to Camden but why must you be so sarcastic at all times? Why must u get so fired up at small things. I know that I'm always free, but it doesnt happens all the time right? I tried everything to make u guys think I'm able to cope. But u didn't see that don't u? I can take it once, twice but not everytime. I feel like as if I'm a dog here. And about lunch. It's not that I don't wanna go but going alone is what i don't like. I feel so stupid. I know it's a small matter. But i was hurt in a way. Nevermind, I'm a nobody here anyways. I'm just a dog to come early and cover up your asses.
And no, i'm not complaining. I just need to vent it out. My head is killing me. I'm meeting Shak later and will be going to Ain's and fairul's dad kenduri after maghrib. Moga allah mencucuri rahmat nya. Amin.
